What NOT to Say - Part I

Whenever anyone is going through challenges, whether they be health-related or not, people never know what to do or say to help. They often react to this inner conflict in one of two ways: they think they know what to say and come off as trying to “fix” the situation, or they keep their distance from the person emotionally and/or physically. I’ve done both. And you’d think that if you can relate to the person’s challenge, you’d be immune to this problem, but then you encounter the new problem of assuming that your experience is the same as the person’s, which is just as insensitive and unhelpful.

So what’s the solution? No idea.

Just kidding :). I do have an idea, but it’s not my own. I got it from reading Job this past week. Job is a character in the Bible who suffers extreme loss and undergoes immense challenges in a very short period of time, and his friends visit to comfort him. The problem is, they don’t comfort him at all. Job needed to express his deep grief, confusion, and anger and have his friends help him work through it, but instead they assume Job did something wrong to deserve his hardships and essentially tell him to “snap out of it.” As I was reading their long speeches to Job, I realized that his friends weren’t abnormally insensitive; they were just selfish. I think they felt uncomfortable, as most of us do, when confronted with someone’s intense suffering and his feelings about it. They would rather Job stuff his feelings and act like everything was fine than go through the emotional and spiritual battle with him of being honest with God and resolving his anger and confusion. That’s messy, and none of us likes messy.

Job 13:1-5, 12-13 Good News Translation (GNT)
Everything you say, I have heard before.
I understand it all; I know as much as you do.
I'm not your inferior.
3 But my dispute is with God, not you;
I want to argue my case with him.
4 You cover up your ignorance with lies;
you are like doctors who can't heal anyone.
5 Say nothing, and someone may think you are wise!
12 Your proverbs are as useless as ashes;
your arguments are as weak as clay.
13 Be quiet and give me a chance to speak,
and let the results be what they will.

What Job wanted and needed was to be able to speak freely with his friends and with God, without them trying to “fix” him with their wise words and understanding. Always searching for the perfect thing to say just makes you seem like you think you’re better than the person suffering; sometimes the best thing to offer is your smile and your presence rather than a profound statement or question.

One of the coolest things about God to me is that he values honesty over saying the “right” thing, because he knows everyone’s heart anyway and isn’t fooled by our dutifully trying to act like we’re okay, as Job’s friends were trying to get Job to do. After all of Job’s complaining, lamenting, and questioning, God responds, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.” (Job 42: 7)