What I discussed in my last post, learning to empathize and go through someone’s suffering with him/her, reflects a total mind shift. Practically speaking, however, two questions are asked of me over and over that unintentionally can become quite discouraging, so I’d like to share them here to help people know what NOT to say :).
1) Are you feeling better?
1) Are you feeling better?
First of all, just because I had a bone marrow transplant doesn’t mean I’m perpetually “sick.” Second, I know for the average person a hospital admission means you’re not doing well, but as I’ve explained previously, I get admitted for things like diarrhea or a 100 degree temperature, neither of which I’d classify as particularly hazardous. So, while I totally appreciate people’s prayers and concern, please don’t assume or treat me like I’m an invalid because I got admitted to the hospital. Third, there are only two possible answers to that question. One will put a smile on your face and give you warm fuzzies, and the other will make me feel like a failure and make you feel awkward. It’s a 50/50 chance, people. Those are not good odds.
What should you ask instead? It’s simple. Simply ask me how I’m doing, but be prepared for a complicated answer, or for me not feeling up to going into detail. Many times people with chronic health conditions feel defined by their condition. Their health not only controls every aspect of their life (mood, schedule, work options, finances, diet, etc.), but it controls how other people see them. Well-meaning people constantly ask me about my health, but sometimes I need to talk about other, totally unrelated things, just to remind myself that there’s more to me and my life than my health.
2) When will you be able to _______?
I have to live with tons of restrictions post-transplant, controlling my diet, travel, work, schedule, and other daily activities. These restrictions vary from patient to patient and depend on how I’m doing, my bloodwork, and the drugs I’m taking, so they are incredibly uncertain and constantly changing. There is no formula at this point that determines when I will be able to return to teaching, eat berries and salad, go to church, travel by airplane, or do any number of other things that I still can’t but want to do. So the indefinite answer to that question is that neither I nor my doctors know, and I’m trying to take one day at a time and not worry about the future. Believe me, it’ll be obvious when these restrictions are lifted because you know I’ll be doing all of it! ;)
You are trying hard to get people to walk in your shoes. Thanks for the continued lessons. I will never ever say I understand. The best I can do is have some understanding (I think) and to support you (or anyone else) the best I know how. I am only human. And the need to talk about other things - that is so true! I hope I do that with you....if not tell me! May your weekend home with Z be fun and restful....just what you both need! Thinking of you as always with love
ReplyDeleteI definitely feel your (and many others') effort to support me and Zack and talk about other things, like cooking for example! :) Speaking of cooking, made chicken piccata the other night for the first time and Zack loved it! Still can't taste, but could sense the tang of the fresh lemon, tomatoes, and capers :). Love and miss you!
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