Constipation and Drug Hookups: The True Story of Rehab

For part 2 of my hip recovery saga, here is a list of some noteworthy moments in rehab.

1) On my first day at rehab, I looked around and found that I was one of three patients in the entire facility under retirement age. 
2) For the first few days in rehab, I was bedridden without someone helping to lift my legs off the bed, putting my bathroom needs at the mercy of my nursing assistants. One nursing assistant liked to wait 20 minutes to answer my call button and then severely chastise me for trying to get out of bed on my own.
3) Though the occupational therapist and I spent about 20 minutes covering my bandages before my shower, our efforts proved to be in vain when I discovered huge wet spots covering the butt of my pants during a group therapy session. What made matters worse is my nurse almost had a heart attack because she thought the wet spots were drainage from my wounds.  
4) During a therapy session, I noticed that the clock on the wall was noticeably crooked. As I walked over and adjusted it, another therapist noticed and asked, “You’re anal, aren’t you?” Considering almost everyone in the facility was on heavy narcotics and experiencing the well-known bathroom side effects, I didn’t think “anal” was the best choice of words...
5) There was nothing quite like waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of the woman throwing up in the room across from me. Perhaps more disturbing was the nurse asking the woman, “Are you ok?” Wouldn’t “How can I help?” be a more appropriate question?
6) The faulty automatic hand sanitizer dispenser mounted on my wall kept releasing a stream of sanitizer every time I walked by. I worried the entire visit about falling flat on my newly operated hips after slipping on a pile of sanitized goop.
7) I’m convinced that physical therapists learn a secret language before they are certified and then use the language to make everyone else feel inferior (not really). Here is the encrypted message the PT wrote on my whiteboard under “Today’s Plan”:

-ModIc FWW in unit

-13 LE WBAT

How can I follow the instructions if I can’t even read them?
8) After only a few hours in rehab, I soon compiled a list of essential devices after hip surgery. #1 is a “scratching stick,” which in my case happened to be a $2 back scratcher from Walgreens that served the much greater purpose of scratching those hard-to-reach areas, which is pretty much everywhere after you’ve had hip surgery.
9) During one physical therapy group session, we played a ball game in which we were supposed to call out a group member’s name and then bounce the ball to him or her. The game ended up being more like a round of dodgeball: 2 people didn’t call out names, 1 kept calling out the wrong name and hitting whomever he threw the ball to, and others threw like they were trying to make a covert pass. One man kept nodding off during the exercises, prompting the physical therapist to loudly call out his name, and another man had bad hearing so you had to shout his name or risk smacking him in the face with the ball. The funniest person was an old Asian woman who never called out anyone’s name and laughed whenever she hit someone. Fortunately for her, she was too cute for anyone to get mad. Including me, 9 out of 10 of the people in the group couldn’t bend down, so unless the ball came directly to us, we just stared at the ball on the floor until the therapist came to pick it up.
10) On one of my last nights in rehab, I dreamed I incorrectly spelled my last name “Mastical” and couldn’t remember how to spell it correctly because of my pain meds. I woke up in a scared sweat.
11) Before getting discharged, the doctor discussed my drugs with me and we made a list of the ones I would need to pick up. I was a little taken aback when the doctor asked me if I had a “good place to get drugs,” and my shock increased when he proceeded to lean in and tell me he had “a place.” Images of Ponzi schemes and backdoor drug hookups flashed through my mind, and I was glad my friend was there to witness that I refused the hookup in case this ever went to court. I had to hold back my laughter when he named the hookup: Costco.

I hope this all helps to prove a very important lesson: if you’re ever in need of a good laugh, go to rehab.