The Pros and Cons of Looking Good

Based on that title, you probably think I’m getting a little full of myself, but let me explain. I’ve looked “sick” in various ways for the past 2+ years. Since 2010, my weight has fluctuated from 85 to 130 lbs., my hair has fallen out three times, my skin has displayed a range of colors, from blotchy red to pasty white, and I’ve sported a face mask that suggests I’m either a serial killer or preparing for impending nuclear disaster. I’ve been confined to my apartment for months, in and out of the hospital more times than I care to count, and on kidney dialysis.

Compared to all that, I now look pretty good. The upside of this is that the standard has never been lower. Who else is told she looks “fantastic” just because she has hair? I’m greeted by exclamations of, “You’ve gained weight!” as if I just won the lottery, and I keep having to fight the urge to retort, “You’re looking rather chubby yourself!” and remind myself that’s a good thing.

When I stop and think about it, I’ve come such a long way over the past couple years. The other day while I was taking a walk, I remembered the months that I either wasn’t allowed outside or didn’t have the strength or energy to walk more than half a block. However, I still have some serious challenges, some physical but mainly emotional, as a result of my disease and bone marrow transplant. I think people have seen me looking sick for so long that now, because from a physical standpoint I look and feel so much better, they assume I’m great!

On my bad days, I dread going to the doctor or seeing people I haven’t seen in a while because I don’t want to hear the constant repetition of, “You look so good!” You’d think I’d be flattered to hear that I look good, and sometimes I am, but in reality that assertion often makes me feel pressure to reassure people that I’m doing well for their own peace of mind. What if I told you about my depression, fears about the future, or hip pain from a steroid-related condition unknown to almost everyone? Would that let you down? I can also feel misunderstood when told I look good, because my appearance often doesn’t correlate with how I feel. When you look good, people think you feel good, and so they don’t understand when you can’t do “normal” things or handle as many responsibilities.

With all that said, I am grateful that I’ve come so far, a concept that I’m still trying to grasp. I also appreciate when people compliment me, because I know they see dramatic changes in me that represent growth and new beginnings. I want to feel as good as I look, but it’s taking me time to get there.