It took me three tries to write this blog post. The first time, I wrote a paragraph and saved it on Blogger, planning to finish it soon. But when I accessed my draft, all my writing had disappeared. Frustrated, I wrote the entire post only to have my browser crash before I saved the last paragraph. Long story short, my writing disappeared again and I ended up in tears. Funny how writing this blog post makes a pretty good metaphor for what my life feels like at times, trying to do something good and being knocked down again and again, having to start from scratch. I’d like to feel pretty sorry for myself, but I can’t help remembering these two scriptures:
Psalm 34:19 NLT
The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the LORD comes to the rescue each time.
Proverbs 24:16 NIRV
Even if godly people fall down seven times, they always get up.
But those who are evil are brought down by trouble.
Wednesday, February 22 marked the one year anniversary, otherwise known as my second birthday, re-birthday, or birtheration (birthday + celebration), of my bone marrow transplant. I'm a few days later than planned with this post because the day after my birtheration, I wound up in the very place I was exactly one year prior, the hospital. A pretty serious line infection sent me to the ER Thursday afternoon with teeth-chattering chills, plummeting blood pressure, and a fever, and I was quickly started on a course of IV antibiotics and admitted to the hospital.
I'm not gonna lie; spending the week of my one year anniversary in the hospital was/is (I'm still here) a pretty big discouragement. It felt like a failure to wind up in the very place I'm supposed to be celebrating NOT being, and canceling my birtheration party was just icing on the cake. But I know that doesn't change the fact that one year is a huge milestone, especially considering that I'm doing so well. Besides this recent line infection, which was entirely unrelated to my health and completely related to a foreign object being embedded under my skin with caps hanging out and touching who knows what, my health is better than it's been in the past two years. My body is stronger, my labs are almost normal, and my skin is clear (no signs of GVHD).
My line was removed this morning, so now I’m infection and catheter-free and plan to stay that way. My biggest worry now is when to reschedule my birtheration. This hospital stay definitely knocked me down, but I plan to get back up. No line infection is going to stand in the way of me celebrating another year of life, challenging as it was, with the people who helped make it possible.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Birthday Reflections
It was my 27th birthday on Thursday and I finally feel like an adult. Maybe it’s because I’ve now been married for 3 years, have a retirement account, and just received the invitation to my 5 year college reunion. Or perhaps I’ve actually been an adult for some time but have been so preoccupied with other things that it hasn’t hit me until now. Considering this is the first birthday in 3 years that I celebrated outside of the hospital, the latter seems most likely.
While redeeming the coupon for my free birthday drink from Starbucks this morning, I was reminded of last year’s birthday coupon, which I received while in the hospital for my bone marrow transplant. By the time I could visit Starbucks in person, about 4 months had elapsed since my birthday and my coupon had long since expired. Luckily, people tend to bend the rules when they hear you’ve had a bone marrow transplant :).
This birthday was different in so many ways from the past two years. I was able to go out to a restaurant rather than eat hospital food, eat a cake baked by a friend rather than one delivered on my hospital tray, receive gifts that weren’t pre-sterilized to prevent infection, and be given fresh flowers. Most importantly, I celebrated another year of life that, without a bone marrow transplant, may not have been possible.
Jeremiah 1:5 GWT
Before I formed you in the womb,
I knew you.
Before you were born,
I set you apart for my holy purpose.
Psalm 139:13-16 NCV
13 You made my whole being;
you formed me in my mother's body.
14 I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.
What you have done is wonderful.
I know this very well.
15 You saw my bones being formed
as I took shape in my mother's body.
When I was put together there,
16 you saw my body as it was formed.
All the days planned for me
were written in your book
before I was one day old.
These scriptures give me hope that I was created for a purpose, and that my birth and my life are special to God. I often get frustrated about many areas of my life that are still restricted or different from how they were or how I’d like them to be, but believing that God already knows what lies ahead for me helps to give me a sense of peace.
While redeeming the coupon for my free birthday drink from Starbucks this morning, I was reminded of last year’s birthday coupon, which I received while in the hospital for my bone marrow transplant. By the time I could visit Starbucks in person, about 4 months had elapsed since my birthday and my coupon had long since expired. Luckily, people tend to bend the rules when they hear you’ve had a bone marrow transplant :).
This birthday was different in so many ways from the past two years. I was able to go out to a restaurant rather than eat hospital food, eat a cake baked by a friend rather than one delivered on my hospital tray, receive gifts that weren’t pre-sterilized to prevent infection, and be given fresh flowers. Most importantly, I celebrated another year of life that, without a bone marrow transplant, may not have been possible.
Jeremiah 1:5 GWT
Before I formed you in the womb,
I knew you.
Before you were born,
I set you apart for my holy purpose.
Psalm 139:13-16 NCV
13 You made my whole being;
you formed me in my mother's body.
14 I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.
What you have done is wonderful.
I know this very well.
15 You saw my bones being formed
as I took shape in my mother's body.
When I was put together there,
16 you saw my body as it was formed.
All the days planned for me
were written in your book
before I was one day old.
These scriptures give me hope that I was created for a purpose, and that my birth and my life are special to God. I often get frustrated about many areas of my life that are still restricted or different from how they were or how I’d like them to be, but believing that God already knows what lies ahead for me helps to give me a sense of peace.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Paradoxes
Life is full of them. Or my life, that is. As I've been recovering and feeling much better overall from week to week, I've been facing some unexpected challenges. In a sense, as my life is getting easier, it's getting harder.
There are many things I couldn't do for so long, either because I was told not to by my doctors or because I didn't feel well enough, such as cooking, working, and exercising. While I couldn't do those things, I wished I could; however, now that I can, I often wish I didn't have to! There are also certain activities that I'm still told not to participate in, such as cleaning and classroom teaching. In the past, these are activities I would have welcomed a break from, but now that I can't do them, I wish I could!
The equally strange aspect to these paradoxes is that I know the feelings won't last. As soon as I'm given the green light to clean, I'll long for the days when I was told not to. Anywhere from days to months after returning to teaching, I'll wonder what I was thinking going back to teaching obstinate, hormonal middle schoolers. Yet even though I know the feeling of gratitude for simple things like walking outside, doing laundry, and running errands (all former no-nos) may be short-lived, I still get a sense of happiness from being able to do them. Luckily, the middle schoolers aren't always obstinate ;).
There are many things I couldn't do for so long, either because I was told not to by my doctors or because I didn't feel well enough, such as cooking, working, and exercising. While I couldn't do those things, I wished I could; however, now that I can, I often wish I didn't have to! There are also certain activities that I'm still told not to participate in, such as cleaning and classroom teaching. In the past, these are activities I would have welcomed a break from, but now that I can't do them, I wish I could!
The equally strange aspect to these paradoxes is that I know the feelings won't last. As soon as I'm given the green light to clean, I'll long for the days when I was told not to. Anywhere from days to months after returning to teaching, I'll wonder what I was thinking going back to teaching obstinate, hormonal middle schoolers. Yet even though I know the feeling of gratitude for simple things like walking outside, doing laundry, and running errands (all former no-nos) may be short-lived, I still get a sense of happiness from being able to do them. Luckily, the middle schoolers aren't always obstinate ;).
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